Think Cations; Think Positive - no more
It has been more than half a year since I last wrote an entry. And the time that has since passed has seen a lot of reality than I have ever seen in my past 25 years. I really think I have changed immensely - in terms of character, in terms of behaviour and especially in terms of thinking. I'm really glad to have found my dardar, who has taught me millions and opened the real world to me.
Once, when the bitter cold war was ongoing between Ceci and myself (it has long since ended, but we will never be the same again), she told me, 'Bing, you are always in your lala land'. I did not understand then, but I reckon I do now. It seemed like a great plus point then to be able to 'think cations; think positive', but actually this does not work in everyday life. I cannot possibly live in a world perceiving everyone to be the best, to be considerate and loving to one another. Especially when I'm not such a person myself. People backstab, people pretend and EVERYONE fends for themselves first.
For the first 25 years of my life, I seriously think that I am really a very nice person. Friends tell me that, family tells me that. It slowly seeped through to me that I am a very nice girl. There was even a guy who told me that I have an amazing personality - and nope, this guy did not have any interest in me then, nor now. It was until my dardar brought me to the mirror, taking me through the journeys of my actions that I realise I am not that nice. I'm not saying that I'm horrible as a human being, super evil or dispicable - I'm just not that nice. There you go, as easy as it was to type out in words now, trust me, it was devastating to find that out about myself when it first dawned on me.
As that fact smacked me in the face, more pieces started to fall in place. I was not one who analyse my actions; I just took them to be my spontaneous reactions. I always had explanations which sometimes I do not even realise those are not true until now. This probably sound ambiguous and stupid but it is the truth. I started to understand myself and the reasons for my actions and words. The reality of everyday life including working society sank in - Think Cations; Think Positive simply do not work. Whilst it is important to be optimistic, it is not realistic to be forever positive. For the new me, it is imperative to have contingency plans, and plan for the next step when things do not fall into the place that I want it to be. The old me would have probably resigned to fate and continue be cationic and wait for the next piece of candy to drop down my path.
Sometimes the truth scares me. But I am learning to accept the real me. Perhaps those reading this entry would think that I am in a bleak period of my life, but I assure you that I'm not. I'm very satisfied with my life now, but of course still constantly in the striving mode.
With discovering the true Fiona, I come to acceptance of my 'severence', for lack of a better word due to my limited vocab, with Ceci. I was not as affected as I thought I would be. The betrayal that I had initially felt has meltdown to nil. It is sad to know that as close to her as I had been, and the sisterly bonds that I perceived we had, was naught. I'm sorry that things has to come to this way. Although I still feel that the way she treated me then was not right, I'm sorry that she has to be the sacrificed one in the friendship between the 4 girls.
But all these, I will leave behind. I will not update on this blog again too, as the intent of this blog to be cationic is no longer valid in my school of thoughts. Thank you for everyone's comments if you had at one time or another left something for me to read. Good luck in life!
Cheers,
